Dua for a Lost Sister

While I was trying to escape from the distraction that kept me from studying for finals I found things that kept me focused on the future. When ever I see someone who is obviously following their deen properly I get self conscious and guilty. My big curls exposed for the world to see...and you know my shirt doesn’t quite cover me...then there are these jeans that could be made into a skirt. Ohh man...then I spots a nikabi and of course I feel even worse. Well my sisters aren’t doing anything to make me feel horrible; it's just that I see what I lack in them. I no longer desire to be part of the crowd and curse myself for looking like everyone else, blending in with the people unseen but also being seen too much. I shudder when someone complements my hair, as if they just spat in my face and shot an arrow through my heart. When I feel some one leering at me or my brothers and sisters looking perplexed at me when I enter the masalla...they didn’t know I was Muslim, they couldn’t tell. It's not important for me to SHOW that I’m a Muslim to others but it is important that I follow the word of Allah (SWT) and by doing that it's very difficult to blend into a crowd of rowdy University kids. Even though God is always watching I often forget until it's time for prayer or I spot someone that has remembrance of God in everything that they do. I am a tragic excuse for a Muslim and if I die today then I go to my grave with my record flawed. How did I even give Dahwah when I myself am in dire need for dahwah! My salat is lacking substance, my iman fluctuates too much, and my knowledge of Islam makes me an infant in Islam. Lower my gaze they say, guard your chastity they tell me, humble yourself they plead! All for my own good wallahi, yet I still find myself leering at attractive men OHH except this time at pious men… (Wow that’s a whole lot better!). I can’t even bring myself to the issue of all my male friends who I have known for years…and some not too long. Slowly I am beginning to understand my deen and I have come into a mind frame where I see all my faults and now I just have to implement changes. Wear humble clothing, limit my interaction with males (which means stop being such a flirt), gain knowledge of Islam, give charity, humble myself (I am way to cocky for being just a servant of Allah (swt)), have remembrance of God in everything that I do. If I do this…with the right intentions, then I am most definitely on my way…Inshallah.