Rays of Faith: September 2008

Yesterday was by far the worst day of Ramadan I have ever had in my life. Like most other hardships they tend to also be the best day.

I woke up 2 mins before fajr so I didn't have time to eat, and I knew it was going to be tough b/c I had a long day ahead. I went to my classes, went to jummah, then studied but fell asleep on my books and when I woke up the weather had changed from a nice fall day to dark clouds, heavy rain, and whipping cold wind. I was wearing very light fabric and flats and I knew that I couldn't last two mins out there b/c I lived hours away from school. So I called up my father but he said he couldn't pick me up b/c he was sick and tired( he really was)...I tired to wait out the storm but it wouldn't let up and around 6pm I decided that i had to face it b/c I had to get home for iftar.

As soon as I stepped outside my shoes filled with cold water, and I was being hit with violent winds and rain. Of course the transit system in my city is awful and on a good day you have to wait 20 mins for a bus but yesterday wasn't a good day. I had to wait over an hour for one bus, and half an hour for another, and nine mins for another. Then I had to walk 20 mins to my house. The only window of light was when I was on one of the buses a young high school girl was asking about my hijab and abaya, seems like her father is Muslim but she isn't from a religious family b/c she goes to catholic school, so i got my little dawah opportunity. By the time I got to that last 20 min trek to my house I was soaked, dead tired, hungry, lost all feeling in my hands, and my feet were in unbearable pain. The chatter from my teeth was uncontrollable but eventually that stopped and I think my body went into survival mode. I was so mad at the world, and very angry at my father for not inconveniencing himself to save me this pain. Every step was an effort and I was walking like a cripple and must of looked incredibly pathetic to the ppl driving by. The only relief was the hot tears warming up my cheeks and the du'a I was making to Allah(swt).

When I finally got to my house magrib time had already come, I stepped inside I could hear my family eating and laughing and enjoying themselves. I glanced at myself in the mirror and I looked like a pathetic mess.I was livid. I quietly climbed the stairs to my room, and tried to remove my wet clothes but my hands were stiff and red and it hurt to uncurl my fingers. I was sitting on the floor of my bed room hands and feet red and swollen and I just started to cry, a loud desperate sobbing. I could hear my family in the background enjoying their meal and I just felt so alone. I realized that truly Allah(swt) is the most merciful, infinity more that even the sacred love and mercy between a parent and child. I had no one to complain to but Allah(swt), I had no one to depend on except Allah(swt). Then it dawned on me, that as much pain as I was in, Jahanum is worse! I couldn't imagine having to face that . So I stopped crying and I asked Allah(swt) to forgive my anger to my parents and my impatience. I began the slow and painful removal of my clothing. Huddled under my blanket till I felt the life come back into me. Hobbled downstairs ate something, prayed one of the best prayers Ive prayed in a long time...then laid down and fell into a deep sleep. I could hear in my sleep as if it were a dream my mom complaining about me not cleaning the dishes and that I neglected the dishes b/c I was angry they didn't pick me up from school. Wallahi there is none more merciful than Allah (swt). Next thing you know my brother woke me up at 4 am, and I realized that I missed isha! ugh! I prayed that, ate then prayed fajr then went to sleep and woke up this morning with stiff limbs and a fever and a yellow face lol
But Wallahi Ive never been happier, because somehow under those horrible circumstances I found clarity.